Have you heard? Science has isolated a substance that completely destroys a woman’s sex drive. It’s called “wedding cake.”
So according to the (lame) joke, once a woman gets married, she loses interest in sex. Oddly, statistics have consistently proven this wrong. Back when I was researching these things, study after study showed the same thing:
The most sexually satisfied people in America — the people experiencing the most frequent, most satisfying sex — are highly religious married people who saved sex for marriage.
Surprising. We all think it should be the “swinging bachelor.” But no. It’s the nondescript couple driving their minivan into the church parking lot.
Why?
Last time, in our ongoing discussion of St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, we talked about the passage “The man and his wife were naked and not ashamed.” We discussed the transparency and vulnerability inherent in that nakedness — that the husband and the wife had no selfishness, no hidden agendas, no secrets, and no reason to fear each other.
We also discussed the complementarity of male and female — about how men tend to be strong where women are weaker, and vice versa. How they emotionally and psychologically “fit together.”
But they also physically “fit together.” The design of our bodies really only makes sense in relation to each other. (This is what my professor, the late great Msgr. Lorenzo Albacete, called “the street level of the theology of the body.”) This biological fact, along with everything we have discussed before — the gift, the complementarity, the vulnerability — comes together in this one concept: the “Spousal Meaning of the Body.”
The Genesis account says that the man and his wife were naked and not ashamed. Adam’s life was a complete gift to Eve. And Eve’s life was a complete gift to Adam.
And they made that gift real through the gift of their bodies. In giving their bodies to each other, they in the most real way possible gave themselves to each other. Totally, completely, irrevocably.
Because what we do with our bodies, we do with ourselves.
And that gift didn’t end there. In giving themselves to each other, they also gave themselves to the children — the family — that they were creating. Because, with God, self giving love is always fruitful. It always leads to life. Think about how amazing this is. Their love becomes a person. Scott Hahn says “The love between a husband and wife is so real that nine months later, you have to give it a name.”
This, I believe, is God’s very favorite thing to do — creating new human persons in His image and likeness, persons He loves and wants to spend eternity with. And how does He do that? He works through sex, through the spousal love of a husband and wife. What does that say about human sexual expression? How could it be bad or evil? God is there, prepared to perform his most creative act.
And then there is the biochemistry. Have you ever heard of Oxytocin? It is a peptide, secreted in in the brain small amounts in pleasurable experiences like exercise or hugging a friend. It is also secreted, in large amounts, in childbirth and in sexual activity.
Here is the impact that oxytocin, when it binds with estrogen, has on the brain: It causes us to be forgetful. It decreases our ability to think rationally. And it causes a strong emotional attachment, and strong feelings of trust, to form with the person we are with.
That’s the impact sexual activity has on the brain. It bonds us together — powerfully.
Isn’t this all beautiful? He created our bodies so that the very same act that brings children into the world also helps unite their parents — for the sake of those children, and for each other, and for the vows that they took.
Do you see a theme here? Everything about sex is about permanence. The new lives that are created don’t just go away. They remain. And the bond that results is not some fleeting little emotion. It is powerful.
This is what the Church has taught from the very beginning. Not that sex is bad, or dirty, or evil. But rather that it is holy. It has an inherent meaning, a spousal meaning. It speaks a language — the language of permanent, irrevocable self gift. It is the most intimate thing we can do, and it belongs only in our most intimate relationship. It says “I belong completely, permanently and exclusively to you. And so I give myself to you in a way that I don’t give myself to anybody else.” And, for these couples, “in a way I have never given myself to anybody else.”
This is what the word “chastity” means. It is simply living a life of respect for this language, this spousal meaning of the body.
This is why those highly religious couples are so happy. They are speaking the language honestly. All this talk about being “naked and not ashamed?” That’s them. They are transparent. Their spouses feel safe and loved. The gift of their bodies is an extension of the gift of themselves that they make to each other, in small and large ways, every day. They needn’t fear pregnancy, or bonding, because they are fully committed to each other.
They are genuinely loved, genuinely vulnerable, and genuinely safe. And ultimately, that’s what makes sex “good.”
So why did the study call out “highly religious couples”? External religious observation is no guarantee against cruelty or abusiveness or insensitivity. And plenty of non-religious couples live love beautifully in their marriages. I suspect the results shake out this way because, when it comes to the sacrifices that true self-sacrificing love demands, it can be very difficult to live up to them without the grace of God.
In the end, religious or not, all of this is true to the extent that spouses are living that emotional “nakedness” we discussed previously, and loving each other well in everyday life.
I saw a comment on Facebook the other day that said, “In my thirty happy years of marriage, I've learned some things. The sex has improved to levels I never would have imagined possible in my youth. It's gotten more honest and deeply tied to our psychology in ways that have been downright therapeutic. I suppose THIS kind of next-level sex is unavailable to the young, the single, and the promiscuous.”
This is the “spousal meaning of the body.” It is the heart of the message of the Theology of the Body. Our male and female bodies, in their complementarity, in their “fitting together,” show us what we are created for. They demonstrate the total self gift, on every level, that has been our call from the beginning.
